I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize