I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
