the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Vodka?
Forever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
