I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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