I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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