I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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