We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
