so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
