What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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