alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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