I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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