i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We had to coat check the pizza.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize