i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
