dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
