I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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