I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
