just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
