I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
