I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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