OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
