He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
