I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
