I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
