Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
