Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
