I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
