watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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