I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
