We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
