At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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