i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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