If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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