I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
