Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
