im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
