I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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