Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
