I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
