the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
