I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
