I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
