he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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