Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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