So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
