If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
