So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
