When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
