thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
