Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize