Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
