I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
