just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
