If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
