Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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