end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
