so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
