well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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