Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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