He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
