it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I will pee on everything he values.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
